Splinter Cell: Ubiquitous Silhouette

A little while ago, when Game Fatale was just a twinkle in selected sassy dames’ eyes, we discussed the idea of a top twenty sexiest videogame characters list. Of course, we were discussing male characters. I believe the female sex is just as susceptible to a shallow droolfest as much as the next man.

In fact, to demonstrate exactly how juvenile I was going to be in this post, I wish to enlighten you as to some titles I had prepared. Often, in the drunken nights of my first year at university, I would participate in hazy conversations over Teamspeak whilst my then boyfriend would heroically attempt to manipulate Sam Fisher away from ever present Mercenaries despite my cackling in the background. These conversations often landed on the subject of the absurd be-coloned title of Splinter Cell : Pandora Tomorrow, and how you could choose virtually any two words to be post-colon. At the time, we settled on calling Splinter Cell Pizza Thunder (a somewhat lazy nickname, we could have done much better with all of our combined perversity). “Game of Pizza Thunder anyone?” “We can’t play Pizza Thunder, my internet’s fucked.” “Will Pizza Thunder run on this?”

The laziest and most disgustingly bad titles I could think of to do with leering at Fisher’s ass like he’s some sort of piece of meat:
Splinter Cell: Sweet Ass
Splinter Cell: Breakfast Tomorrow
(and its more obvious sister) Splinter Cell: Shagyou Tomorrow
Splinter Cell: I Can See Your Cock In That Suit

I know! I didn’t even retain the P T or C T pattern. I should tell you that I have watched most of imdb’s 20 worst horror movies and they made me laugh instead of cry, just so you get the extent of my finding absolute crap hilarious. Perhaps someone should exchange the colon for a semi-colon on an official document, and do a survey on how many fans it confuses… Juuuuust that extra half-beat less on the punctuation; total freaking panic? In any case, Penny Arcade also found the Pandora Tomorrow title pretty funny too, and came up with some excellent suggestions in my favourite comic strip of all time.

By now, Sam Fisher is all over platforms like a delicious svelte rash. The only one he’s not on is the NES, and they had a hell of a time trying to port Double Agent to the Gamecube (I hear). Good I say, since it gives us oft forgotten lady gamers more ways to perv on him the way male gamers have been perving on Lady Lara for years (although, given, her ass was two pyramids for a while).

If I’ve not made myself clear yet, I am talking about how lean, svelte, sinewy and conveniently third person Sam Fisher is in the early skin-tight Splinter days. What makes Sam so fantastically different from all those other dull male heroes out there is firstly that he is not so beefy as to look like he is composed of horrible over-swollen glands knotted together in a line. As much as I adore fun (and I do, I really do) when I put down the controller after something like Gears of War I feel a bit like I want to bonk some lady on the head and drag her into a cave. And those kinds of heroes are everywhere! I think the punchline to that train of thought is Army of Two, and I don’t even have to finish that joke to have myself chuckling away like a maniac. Oh, all right then, Army of Two is like Hyper-Masculine Gay boxed and put on a shelf, which is certainly not what they intended (Pimp my gun, dahling!). That is what you get when you go down the uber-testosterone path for the gazillionth time.

No, our Sam is all man but in a more compact, intelligent and graceful (dare I say it) package, and a much more realistic hero model compared to the likes of Gears, Doom, and all that other caveman stuff. My next point. Should you get bored of looking at Sam’s kevlar covered thighs (that Pandora Tomorrow bodysuit is like the male equivalent of the tightest little black dress you can find in Harrods) you can always hit a cutscene and have Michael Ironside’s gravelly voice make a genuinely funny quip about the state of world terrorism or a brutal comment that you kind of hope one day someone will say to you before taking you in a manly fashion. And I guess that’s point two: his lines aren’t disgusting, and they are delivered perfectly and professionally by someone who was made for the role. Nothing puts you off fantasising about some virtual bloke like the exchange from Gears of War 2: “I heard there was a shitload of Grubs there sir!” And our hero (just to make him cooler, named ‘Fenix’ instead of the obviously passe correct spelling) replies wittily, “More like ten shitloads.” … The survey says no. Instead, I’d rather have a little of the tongue in cheek, “I’m the good guy here to save your world.” Guard: “I thought I was the good guy.” Sam: “No, no you’re the side with the super secret underground base and I’m the guy who’s trying to break in to the base which makes me the good guy.” Or the aforementioned quip about terrorism. Lambert says in Pandora Tomorrow, “Nobody knows whether he’s a US Agent or a terrorist.” Fisher mumbles, “Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.” Nice. Or, indeed, you could have a little badass if you wanted. Guard: “Who are you?” Sam (emerging from the dark like a tall menacing shadow, bracing the guard’s neck): “The monster in the closet.”

If all that doesn’t get you, there’s still the remaining fact of Sam’s being able to stealth into a building and neck crank everyone in the place into a stupor, fatal or otherwise. He can hack a terminal upside down. He crawls up other men’s similarly svelte, bodysuited curves with a delicate finesse. He’s a political realist, according to Wikipedia. And Wikipedia should know…ish. And I guess there’s the very real fact of his stubble, which features regularly in headshots of the guy. Mmm, virtual stubble. There’s a lot of talk on the superhighway too of Clooney being perfect for the role of Sam – invited, probably by the cheekbone, dark eyes, dark stubble combo, and well, I’m not complaining. If they cast Clooney in the movie, you can be sure I’ll be in the front row, perving at his not so virtual ass.

So, Carrie and Kerry, I propose a motion for Sam Fisher at the top spot. Give me anything you got.