Rogues Do It From Behind
Posted by Carachan on July 1, 2010 | Permalink
I was idly shambling around the internet the other day, and I came across this.
This the best written article of all time. It started an obsession, which I will now impart unto you.
Boy meets girl over world’s most popular massively multiplayer online role-playing game, boy romances girl with his PvP videos (may I remind you, his main means of romance still the world’s most popular massively multiplayer online role-playing game), he a “rogue class hero”; she, presumably, some other class and not a hero. What a fucking Fonzie of a motherfucker. This guy is golden. He picks up chicks with videos about how his avatar interacts with another avatar (there is no mention of whether there is fighting, perhaps there is just polite conversation). He has picked up a lady merely by reaching his internet tendrils across and twiddling her /love macro button. (Too nerdy? After this recent delve into the magical otherworld of World of Warcraft I have been educated.)
The skill of this blogger, “Ming” is just out of this world. It is superb fracking writing to describe this guy as a “rogue class hero” – just like “working class hero”! That is textbook wordsmithery. It’s like witnessing Eddie Izzard come up with a joke, watching this article unfold before me. It is a symphony of awesome thing after awesome thing. It’s like some amazing sentences got together and had a party. There are amazing ideas being flung around like balls at a throwing convention. Have I told you how awesome this article is? WTB Temazepam.
From Ming’s master storytelling, I imagine our hero and non-hero hook up in what must have been an orgy of PvP, roleplaying, and rogues do it from behind jokes. They live together for a year (“plus”!) in domestic World of Warcraft bliss. More jokes, “WTB epic wang” et cetera, et cetera. Possibly some cries of “Leeroooooooy!” at poignant moments. Our legendary host Ming concludes that this relationship “should have been one of the most inspiring stories of our generation, a rogue class hero setting a great example for the rest of the community” [my emphasis].
Ladies and gentlemen, Ming the Merciless keeps drawing this “rogue class” to the fore, as if it were particularly remarkable that such a World of Warcraft class be capable of human emotion, nay, love. Ming pleads with us to notice that not only has a World of Warcraft guy got a girlfriend, but a rogue class player has managed to do so.
Let us look at these so-called “rogues” and their inability to love. I took the liberty of doing some research on “rogues” since it has been about six years since I’ve even looked at World of Warcraft (to tell you the truth I thought it was dead but turns out people liked the game – I thought it was an asshat simulator). Oh, dear readers, it was like delving into another world – imagine that – another virtual world, where people care about stuff that I’ve never heard of but when reading I feel like I should care about too. Like, what is DPS? I want some. I need some now. I feel inadequate because I don’t have any. Or do I? I don’t know. Also, I came across some nice forums, where it seems like no one has been taught the difference between “there” “their” and “they’re”. Behold the thread “Rogues Suck”.
There is something highly incendiary about these posts that makes me get a bit excited. Even more excited than I was before. I want to take up the game so I can post on these forums. I just want to get on this thread and start being dickish. Look at that second guy’s reply. “Good double post” he begins with. He begins with that cockwithering comment. “These asshats got heart,” I think. Teach me more about rogues!
So, Mr Rogues Suck begins:
“In PvP combat I have noticed that rogues have had an unfair advantage over other classes. This is due to the fact they hit really quickly and are very likely to dodge. Now im not saying those are unfair im just saying rogues take advantage of those abilities by running in circles around a player and running in to strike really fast and darting out.”
Is it possible that rogues have commitment problems? They come in quick, are likely to dodge, they take advantage of playas and they run in circles around their poor prey. I met a guy like that once! He too had an inability to love. He’d swoop in for the kill, kiss the girl quick and then when she opened her eyes he’d be nowhere to be seen. And then he’d appear out of nowhere and slap her ass hard. And then be nowhere to be seen again. And then slap her again.
Commitment. Phobic.
And then there is that saying, “Rogues do it from behind.” Is this because they have issues with looking the person in the eyes when they’re “doing it”? Classic self-confidence issues. Perhaps trust issues even. Wow. Rogues. I’m getting a bit upset for you.
However, on the forum there is a massive resistance to rogue commitment issues being improved or addressed in any way. “Lachrymose” states that “Rogues aren’t the problem”, implying YOU are (you knobface), and some guy named “Marvinlous” states “Rogues are fine. Leave rogues alone.” These people are in denial. Rogues have serious issues if our guy from the first article is the only rogue who can sort out his life and find “true happiness”. And even that magnificent man had to break up with his girlfriend “over text messages” once in their relationship.
I want to finish by quoting the heartfelt remarks of a commenter on Ming’s blog. Someone found a picture of the lucky girl who is the heroine of the romance; the anonymous commenter replied gracefully, “I wouldnt **** her with your dick for 50 bucks.”
What a wonder the internet is.
July 4th, 2010 at 7:01 am
Cheekily Re: Be A Player since comment’s were disabled. Think you came across an interesting point with the predicament of male gamers, but your advice:
‘ find yourself a girl who genuinely does want to play games, who gets a real kick out of playing them, whom you are attracted to, and she is attracted to you.’ while sound,
..has one big problem. Statistics! Ratios! ‘Game Fatales’ are painfully rare, at least in Ireland and the UK, and are coveted as a precious minority. Women are free to chose from a harem of suitors, who are often significantly more physically attractive than they are, leaving the majority of non-alpha males to obsess forlornly or suffer unfufilling relationships. I don’t mean to moan, but it’s not just as easy as ‘go find a girl’!
Anyway, much kudo’s for the writing and Tim Rogers/Weezer appreciation