E3 art more technology-based and more air-conditioned.

All right, a little pretentious. And what a pun! Ouch. Time for Carachan’s favs of the round up. Let’s start with something very sexy. Nothing gets me off like this video:

Aside from the, ahem, “omganother3DCastlevaniaomg” vibe you might be getting right now, you also get Patrick Stewart, Robert Carlyle and what I like to think of as Alucard reborn in a fantastic, rather buff 3D body. I smell a new entry in the game-characters-I’d-like-to-meet-in-a-dark-alley list (although I could have kept the old versions, I have imagination). And to boot, Mr Hideo Kojima is on board. Should be good, as long as he doesn’t make the damned game one giant cutscene. *Cough!* MG4! *Cough!* (Last year at the Tokyo Game Show I brushed past the tiny dude and meant to ask him where he hid the rest of the game.) Plus, did you see that tasty clip near the end of the video? You know the one I mean. The one where that guy is wrestling a huge fuck off thing with a chain in his mouth. I almost choked on my gin martini. That is the shizzle!

Also, there is a remake of Katamari Damacy on PS3! Shiny new graphics, and the freaking King of All Cosmos in said shiny graphics! Let’s hope we can still see everything via those purple tights. I can’t wait to relive those amazing lines… Let’s see… There was the classic, “This sky is not pretty at all. It’s rough and masculine. Possibly sweaty,” and the always charming “We broke it. Yes, we were naughty. Completely naughty. So, so very sorry. But just between you and us, it felt quite good”. Welcome back, King dude, to your original glory. Now show us those plum colour tights! And those creepy wandering hands…

I admit to being fairly excited about the new plans for Mario that Nintendo have got up their sleeves, but what, excuse me, what the freaking F is “Women’s Murder Club: Games of Passion” doing on the line up for the DS?

I distinctly remember reading somewhere that one male journalist’s low point of E3 was feeling castrated at the reveal of this game. Can I tell you buddy, I am female and I am feeling my ovaries shrivel just at the title. It reminds me of when Sony tried to BS us with that pink Playstation stuff (which I will never forgive them for, by the way). I came across this sentence in the promotional material: “Based on James Patterson’s best-selling Women’s Murder Club series, Women’s Murder Club: Games of Passion is the only Nintendo DSi™ and DS™ game that immerses fans in the mysterious and suspenseful world of the Women’s Murder Club.”

First of all, “suspenseful”, if it is really a word, should never be used ever again in promotional material as it is as ugly and stupid as the word “burglarized” (what’s wrong with “burgled” anyway?).

And secondly and more importantly, no freaking shit is “Women’s Murder Club” the only game that puts fans in the Women’s Murder Club. That’s like saying ‘”Top Gun” is the only movie that lets you watch “Top Gun”…’ No shit Sherlock. What you meant to say is it’s the only stupid Murder Club game that’s been developed for the DS, which is not actually the most amazing achievement. …Do you really think girl gamers’re just sitting on their asses out here waiting for you to give them their next fix of lame pink videogame fluff? There must be renegade DS developers out there just fucking clamouring for the Women’s Murder Club: Douchebag Puns of Passion franchise, huh? (Today’s update brought to you by the letter F and an assortment of bad puns.) There’s something dirty about this annoying franchise scuttling off the PC and violating the DS. Anyway my mum is going to ruin all of this and buy it for her DS and then shun thoroughbred Hotel Dusk for hours of Women’s Club’s lame exclamations. As a result, my ovaries will shrivel 50% more and I will never be able to have that child with Brad Pitt.

Pumped about the new Silent Hill reimagining, Shattered Memories – apparently your Wiimote is now a torch, and the game measures how long you look at things for a chance to freak you out more, and tailor your experience. That is really quite a terrifying concept when you think about it. I don’t want my games watching me, peering back out at me… A game self aware like the freezer in Spaced… Man that is chillingly creepy. …Actually… I really do want a game like that.

On the 360 side, Mass Effect 2 and Bioshock 2 are fairly meaty offerings, though, ahem, they both have Two in their titles which makes baby Jesus cry. I do look forward though.

And Carrie! I can’t believe you haven’t fallen off your chair already about the news from Guybrush Threepwood! Sadly Schaeferless, but with many of the old Lucasarts gang on board, they’re making a new episodic Monkey Island caper…

Spock out. There better be sandwiches in the future.